Philipenglish Demystified!

Here's a re-post of one of my older fun blogs from FB. Enjoy!




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I had a hilarious afternoon the other day when my mum-in-law was talking to Lily, my domestic help. 

Lily hails from Philippines. So anyway Samantha was not feeling well and had a light case of HFMD, and was being monitored by Lily on her temperature. 

So Lily said to MIL,"Gramma, Samantha still have a bit of peber." 
MIL was perplexed. "What?" 
Lily repeated,"Samantha still have some peber." 
MIL,"I don't understand, what's that?" 
Lily got a bit annoyed. "Peber, gramma. PEBER." 
MIL:"What'a a PEBER?!?!" 
Lily said, "Peber lah!" 
Seeing that this could go on all day, I decided to stop watching the silly exchange and end their misery by explaining to my MIL that most Filipinas pronounce their Ps as Fs and V as Bs, just like how some Indians switch their Vs and Ws, and Japs have this thing with Rs and Ls. 

So, what Lily was really trying to say was Samantha still has a bit of FEVER. 

Maybe it's because Philippines is pronounced as Fee-Lee-pins, so the PH / F thing starts from there. I dunno. Or it could be some Tagalog language phonetics thingie. 

So, I noticed Samantha is picking up some of these mispronunciations, I I try hard to correct her. Actually the real challenge is to correct Lily because Samantha hangs out with her the whole day, so she will pick up from what ever Lily says. 

Here are some creeping problems emerging: 

Actual: Hi-Five Philipenglish: Hi-Pibe. 
Actual: Fish Philipenglish: Pish (Although Ben and Jerry's do have a flavor called Phish Food - that's not helping. Damn) 
Actual: Finish Philipenglish: Pinish. 

So here is a quick list to help you decipher what your Philippines native is trying to say in normal conversation: 

Example: 
I hab Pibe priends coming on Priday. 
I have five friends coming on Friday. 

We will meet on the pip ploor. 
We will meet on the fifth floor. 

I plugged a tucksi and went to Lucky Flahza. 
I flagged a taxi and went to Lucky PLaza. 

I bought Pibe kilos of presh pruits por Pipty-Pibe dollars and pipty-pibe cents. Puck! 
I bought five kilos of fresh fruits for $55.55. Damn! 

I pinished the housework in the ebening, so I turned on the telebision and watched a bit of peer pucktor. 
I finished the housework in the evening, so I turned on the television and watch a bit of Fear Factor. 

My paborite band is Pibe Por Piting. 
My favourite band is Five for Fighting. 

I like to wear Buggikorlorpunts. 
I like to wear baggy colored pants. 

Pelix, can you flease fass the prench pries? 
Felix, can you please pass the french fries? 

What the puck? 
What the hell? 

You better wash your hand abter you come back from flayground, if not you get hand poot moub disease. 
Yo better wash your hands after coming back from the playground, or else you can get hand foot mouth disease. 

No R21 in the Heartlands!

I applaud Ah Gong for not allowing R21 in the heartlands. Yes, some of you may cry (cow peh cow bu) and call Singaporeans prudish and hypocritical.  Who doesn't catch some porn at home anyways?

Indeed there are many reasons for the performing arts community to lobby for a more liberal arts scene. Expressing oneself, being creative etc are hallmarks of a 1st World country. It is shouting to the world "We have arrived and no longer hungry. We've fed our stomachs, so now let's feed our minds."

However, as a parent of 3 kids (yes, I met quota liao and should be given a National Day Award...heehee), I couldn't agree more with Ah Gong's stand.  Just 2 weeks back, my 5-year old daughter needed new leotards for her ballet class, so we drove to Orchard Plaza on a Sunday to pick it up. Kids that age are amazing, because when they start to learn to read, they read everything they can see....Message boards along our expressways, street signs, adverts, posters....whatever. So when I turned into Cavenagh Road, right at the corner was a shop that shouts out, rather indiscretely, "SEX TOYS".  Of course, with the usual life-sized posters of skimpily clad girls with less dressing than a Caesar salad. I was just praying hard that she didn't notice that and not ask questions which I am not prepared to answer, at least not to a 5 year old.

Thank goodness, she didn't. It was an awkward moment, but thankfully I don't have to put myself in that situation often. Can you imagine what every parent have to face if we bring our families to heartland malls like AMK Hub or Bishan Junction 8? 

"Aiya, nobody ask you to go to the cinema, so why should you impose YOUR needs on mine?" The CheekoPek might ask. 

Well, have you seen how malls are designed? Cinemas are usually at the top level (lower rent cos less human traffic?). But so are food courts and family entertainment centres and arcades. You cannot avoid passing by the movie posters when you go to these places.

So while it made the headlines today in the Straits Times, I think it is a good thing. For the rest of those who want to catch an R21 movie, just take a train to Outram. Don't forget the foldable umbrella hor? If you can't afford the travelling time, get yourself a broadband account and watch from home. 100 symbolic banned sites, but there are 1000s of others which you can find.

小姐请你给我爱拼音

Trying to learn this song, but can't find the English phonetic lyrics. My Hokkien is not so good, but I'll try to transcribe this. Please help correct if you spot any mistakes.

小姐请你给我爱

歌名:小姐!請你給我愛
附註:
語言:國語,  曲長:0m0s
作曲:印尼曲,  編曲:
監製:,  填詞:黃敏

男：見面幾落擺當做不熟識　

Kin bin gui ah bai dong zoh boh sit sai

實在不應該

see zai boh ying gai

女：我愛你在心內　

Gua ai li zai xim nai

不敢講出來不敢給人知

mm gah gong chut lai mm gah hor lang zai
男：想看覓你想看覓　我對你怎樣關懷

xiu kua mai le xiu kua mai gua dui li za yeoh guan huai
女：你的心意　我也不是完全不了解

li eh xim yi gua ya mm see guan juan boh liao gai
男：小姐　你請你給我愛

sio jia! li chia li hor gua ai
女：先生　人歹勢在心內

sen sei lang pai seh zai xim nai
男：有你在身邊　我的心　就充滿了愛的光彩

wu li zai xin pee gua eh xim jio chong ban liao ai eh gong chai
女：有了你的愛　我一生　就沉醉在愛的世界

wu liao li eh ai gua jit xin jio dim zui zai ai eh sei kai

Uncle, you speak Good English meh?

Recently someone suggested that Singaporeans, in our quest to speak good English (oxymoron...), should stop using "Uncle" and "Auntie" when addressing someone older.

I wonder if this is some foreign talent's idea. Obviously this Gongkia has cultural intelligence so low that even his or her own country exported him or her to Lion City. Of course, not all FTs are like this. Neil Humphreys found this "Uncle/Auntie" term so unique that he described Singapore as a place where everyone is a relative! 

I begin with, let's understand why we use endearing terms like Uncle and Auntie. Being Asians - Chinese, Malay, Indian and what have you, we value relationships. We have a very descriptive taxonomy to address our relatives, and the systems across our cultures vary in degrees of complexity. I recently bought a copy of the Chinese Almanac and I was pleasantly surprised that there is a section that serves as a reference for you to address relatives, like your Father's older brother (Pak Fu), your Mother's younger Brother(Jiu Jiu or Ah Gu), your cousin from your mum's side (biao sister/brother) or father's side (tang sister/brother) and so on. The Malays address their senior males as Bapak of Pak for short, which is similar to how the Chinese address their older male members in the community.

We respect each other as people, regardless of our social status. This morning I saw my estate's garderner, and old man with pretty nifty green thumbs. "Good morning Uncle Heng!" I would call out, and he always waves back with a smile. I would greet the cleaning lady with a bright "Good morning Auntie! Have you eaten (Jiak Bah Buay)?" and she acknowledges with a warm smile. I also always address the taxi driver as "Uncle", partly out of habit, and also partly out of respect. Maybe from the back seat, we can't really see the driver. But at times when I realise the driver is about my age, I would say, "Hey brother, Orchard Road please."  It makes that 20 minutes of the ride, where there's no one else except you and taxi Uncle, so much more pleasant, trusting and enjoyable - and at least I feel safe. Believe me, I took a cab in Turkey, and the 15 mins was the longest cab ride of my life. 

Last week, on Hari Raya, I brought the kids to Jurong SAFRA. There were lots of people there, and even FTs who came with their kids to enjoy the sprawling indoor playground Kids Amaze. I was thinking, "Wah, SAFRA for our NSMen now also attracts Ang Mohs! Quite THERE liao!" Anyway I visited the Gents, and there was this Ang Moh guy who, obviously, was on toilet duty - he had to bring the boys to the loo. He's a pretty cool guy, and obviously the kids like him. He had all the boys lined up at the urinals, and telling them to hit the "target". At first I was puzzled, then I realised that there is a small "bullseye" target painted in the urinal for zeroing purposes. Hahaha, that was fun.....but what followed after that struck me. Amongst the boys was a local Chinese boy, maybe about 7 to 8 years old. My guess is the Ang Moh came with a local friend and it is a family outing of sorts. The small boy was trying ask the Ang Moh something and kept calling him "Uncle! Uncle!Uncle, where are we going now?" And the Ang Moh looked a little uncomfortable. I was amused by the relentless youngster's quest to get the adult's attention, and the social awkwardness displayed by the poor Ang Moh (I think he's Aussie. Cheers, mate.). Maybe someone can try to explain why John Smith feels that way?

The point I'm trying to make is this: we are Asians, we are Singaporeans. Our values are what define us, unique to us, and unite us. We can use English as a medium for communication, but let's not give up our identities for the sake of assimilation with the corporate Western world. After all, world hegemony shifts over time...and the winds they are a-changing.

So for the FTs who don't understand this, you may want to start getting used to calling your parents "Mum" and "Dad" instead of Mary and John. As Andy Bell of Erasure said,"Oh Baby please...give a little RESPECT...to me."